The Vanishing

off to Oberlin

A question for the parents out there:

Is there a more heartrending moment in parenthood than when a kid goes off to college?

Heart-rending: not because you are so sorrowful, but because your joy exceeds your sorrow and your sorrow is colossal. Your heart just doesn’t know what to do.

I am so proud and glad LadyTeen is off to College (and she is thrilled) but I'm also infinitely sad to lose the child. Granted, I'm gaining an adult.

Not just me: the world is gaining an adult. And this is one really terrific adult.

Parenting success is this metamorphosis, including the butterfly testing its wings. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

For years, the glimpses of adulthood got longer and longer, showing me that the adult we’re getting as a world is one that I would choose as a friend. But it's so hard to let go of the child. Plus she sort of wants to keep the child-part as well—and keep it she shall, it will be there for her, in a box at home, where she can take it out and look at it: a costumed version of girlhood, mixed with catch phrases that approximate adulthood when you pull the right string. That easy, permanent smile in every photo. The predictability of a schedule someone else imposes. Stuffed animals, antique keys, large books, and fairy wings. 

That child will be in storage for her to examine at will—of course—whenever she returns home that childhood self will rush to meet her and try to possess her, just like our own childhood selves do when we walk into the front door of the place where we grew up and a parent says some awkward greeting they have been carefully mulling over for weeks—to indicate to us they are happy we have grown but also they miss that child. We stand flabbergasted that the child still exists there, in that house, with that person. Our adult selves see right through it but already the child self we left in an invisible box at home has leaped out to greet us. Like some insane jack-in-the-box; and whenever we are talking to our parents or siblings, we can’t stop swiveling the crank.

It is crazy to load into a single car all these bins packed tight with clothes I remember or clothes I envy or clothes I question the wisdom of buying or wearing out after dark. So many petals on this rose. So few thorns. 

Writing News

I’ve been keeping up with my editing on my novel. I know it’s shocking.  (Page 103  if you’re marking my progress) Working on writing is  a good way to raft this flood of conflicting emotions. How is it possible to be this sad and still have happiness and pride that is even bigger? 

While we mull this over, check out this glorious article in Audacious Magazine in which I sound confident and capable. (Do not compare this with the mush of emotions that are currently threatening to split me heart in two.)

Also, here is the link to a Pen Parentis article written by The Poetry Foundation - it’s gorgeous and there are photos! 

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Random Final Thought

We stopped in a small town in Pennsylvania and the adorable cafe full of gnomes and bees had a list of prepaid meals for people in need. What an absolutely lovely concept.

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