On Perfection
I'm inhuman
Holiday Greetings to everyone who has ever made a mistake!
I am about 90% sure that when I opened the address label file marked 2022, somehow the actual file that opened wasn’t that one. I keep getting returned Xmas cards in the mail, some with addresses from long ago. It’s frustrating, because there’s no way for me to easily fix the problem. Therefore a wide-ranging public apology is due.
This really is the time of year when faults loom large - probably starting around Thanksgiving when you end up having to face your annually updated opinions about your own family, life choices, traditions, heritage, religious beliefs, and superstitions.
And it only gets worse: after all, doesn’t Santa traditionally sort people into naughty and nice? and by the time you’re about, oh, twelve, don’t you start to negotiate that deal? (I mean, a block of coal rather than gifts is a horrible moment, but being naughty can be fun the whole year through!)
And then there are personal responsibilities: I read a great article about a husband who can’t stand the holidays and all the wife wants is for him to pretend to be happy for 24 hours. (It was written by Melissa Bandy, a Pen Parentis member who has had a great year of publishing. Here’s the essay.)
There are a lot of chores that need doing in our house and I fight the urge to nag my spouse and children to do them - I don’t want to be that person, and we all well know what needs to get done. But as deadlines loom—like the first visitors who might need a shower, or the garbage bags lining up like an encampment in the kitchen—I get more and more antsy and tend to take the jobs on myself.
Saying: “If you want something done…”
But that just makes me angry at everyone, including myself, for not having the stamina to wait until they notice/feel ready to do the job. (or worse: the flashes of “If I had been a better parent, they would be more helpful.” or the worst of all possible thoughts: “If I had never married, none of this would be an issue.” (Right, but also: I would have SO many cats, and how would they get along with the birds and fish and the one huge German Shepherd? Plus, I would probably still not eat onions and would never have made it to Bermuda… much less Costa Rica or any of the other places he wanted to go. No, this was definitely the better life choice.)
How do people solve the problem of responsibility inevitably changing from a virtue (“the King of Snow Mountain was responsible to his people and they loved him”) to a chore?
I find that if a task is my own idea (“I think I’ll take all the books down and reorganize them alphabetically”) I have no problem with taking on the biggest job in the house. But if it is a responsibility thrust upon me (“Why is there cake flour all over the counter?”) I am infuriated by it.
And maybe this is why some people hate the holidays. It wasn’t their own idea to take a day to touch base with everyone they have ever known. It wasn’t their idea to buy a gift for the person in their life who has helped them the most. It wasn’t their notion to gather their best friends into a room and sing stupid songs. Those choices were imposed upon them by a calendar date. It changes a generous sense of communal responsibility towards gratitude into a chore, a duty that must be accomplished by a looming deadline — and frequently one that no one wants do, or has time to do very well. So that adds guilt.
Yet.
Each of these holiday traditions is gorgeous the first time. As a child, recall your startled joy when you opened a card from a relative you’d never heard of (or met) and a huge amount of money (like $20!) fluttered to the floor landing possessively on your foot. Or: remember your first real love and and how excited you were when you had the epiphany for how to best express that love in a gift—? Recall your eager anticipation while watching the magic work as they opened it? Their dumbfounded surprise and delight?
Think back to yourself as a young adult - remember your first party in that tiny space you called home? You looked around and all the eyes were shining and delighted by the decorations or the food or both, given how little anyone had to spare? These things are magical and expressive and wonderful. No wonder people wanted to turn them into traditions.
I don’t have solutions. I just wanted to put it out there, that sometimes, these traditions are wonderful. Sometimes, these gatherings give us a close moment with someone we might lose in the near future, leaving us with a wonderful memory to cherish—or to share at the next gathering, with a different circle.
We are all ephemeral.
Perhaps our preparations could seem less like chores if they were anticipatory? Hard to say.
I just saw the time and I have things to do (and clean and fix).
Happy Holidays, whatever you celebrate. May your chores be merry and light - and may your house be filled with helpful house elves.
WRITING NEWS:
This week, the only news is that Mutha Magazine is planning to publish a “New Year Traditions” segment and they accepted my story. Which is a great and crazy story that will be astonishing to all but about 65 of you.
RANDOM FINAL THOUGHT:
Do you have a favorite gift someone gave you? If so: was it something that you wanted and expected and then received or something you didn’t expect at all?
Just curious. Enjoy your week.
Thank you - I feel like this thread should offer delicious coffee and scones....
Merry Christmas and everything and a healthy and creative New Year -