How I survive NYC
and okay....everything.
If my brain is unmanned please call security!
So okay: people ask me all the time how I survive NYC. And first of all I have to wonder what they think of New York City. How do I survive theater, museums, concerts, dance, celebrity interactions, phenomenal restaurants, convenience, great service, smart people, random fun popups, and gorgeous skyscrapers 24/7? I guess by sleeping less than other people. And maybe watching slightly fewer Netflix shows all the way to the end.
But just recently there was a ghastly, xenophobically motivated stabbing on my street corner. Three young men asked two young men if they spoke English and when they said no, they got brutally attacked. It is a nightmare not just for the obvious reasons that it was an act of horrific and senseless violence at the level of Clockwork Orange, but also because it was a shock and surprise to have it happen on my doorstep. This sort of thing “doesn't happen here” — on my constantly busy, racially mixed, tourist-laden, hilariously overcrowded stretch of Broadway.
There is no bucket for it: not gang violence, not a “bad” neighborhood…it wasn’t even late at night.
It reminded me of the shock of waking to my bed shaking because a plane hit a tower a block away. Unexpected. It is the way cheap horror movies work: the jump scare—you didn’t know it was coming.
Walking past the police tape the next morning was sobering. The Pace University dorm doors were a valve for a constant stream of the usual laughing multi-national young people in pajamas. A news crew was setting up but there was nothing to film and they were debating the best angle to show the lovely Corbin building.
But this post isn’t about reliving trauma through story. Quite the opposite. If you know me, you know I am enamored of the fact that evolved humans can hold contradicting thoughts simultaneously. You know that my preferred method of dealing with this is finding the irony funny.
But not everyone can do this. So here is what I do to survive this city of constant cognitive dissonance—and withstand the incessant assault of the 24/hour news cycle:
1) notice things: constantly at all times when my eyes are open. I frequently catalogue the things I see by taking photos on my phone. Sometimes they’re good, sometimes quirky, sometimes lovely. I notice the positive.
2) share: when I see or do something that makes me happy I post about it. Never to brag, but just to bring a moment of joy to others. (I post both photos and events on Facebook.com/mmdevoe if you’re curious.) I have lovely interactions with people who are grateful to have a good photo of their reading or their panel. We all get tired of selfies.
3) seek joy: if I find myself unhappy I ask myself “how can I turn this day around?” - I rarely try to solve the impossible issue or problem that got me down. Instead I look for a small thing to distract my worried mind that will allow me to appreciate something good for even a second. It can be adding whipped cream to a coffee drink or solving a dumb issue like having only single gloves, or reading a poem on a train. I also always find joy in accomplishment - and accomplishing something as basic as laundry can help me feel better. But I can find joy in something as simple as taking a second to look up at something I see every day and actually SEE it.
4) pay attention: when I find I’m in a death spiral of negativity, I open my eyes. I’m lucky to live in one of the busiest places on the planet for human achievement. For example: are those tourists speaking a language I’m learning on Duolingo? I take a heartbeat to notice I can finally understand a lot of what they’re saying. (also I can help them find that museum they seek) A woman wearing a cow-patterned coat with a kid wearing a cowboy fringe jacket? I wonder if they’ve noticed the connection. The way the light hits a glass to refract colors on a white plate? Lovely. Beauty is everywhere, but sometimes you have to actually LOOK for it. Bonus: looking at the world gets you out of your head.
5) feel the joy: when you’re tangled in an unsolvable issue, you can feel guilty taking even a second to think of something else. Sometimes the smallest joys are overlooked because of the biggest issues - we blind ourselves to the excellent flavor of the simple pasta dish because we were so broke we couldn’t afford protein. Or we are worried about a parent’s health and it feels wrong to go to a Broadway show. If the issue has to do with anyone else’s misery, it is that much harder to take the break. But do it. Your mind needs to let go for a second. That letting go is a learned task - and is a very useful skill when you are faced with things that you have zero control over that make you fret (like living around the corner from a crime scene).
Writing:
I had a perfectly glorious lunch this week with a brilliant and successful writer and she told me I needed to focus. I had forgotten this tarot card that I was given a few years ago (after a reading that I probably should have recorded). I put it up on my wall over my writing desk and promptly forgot about it.
This year, I’ll try again to focus. The irony is that a million years ago, in college, my absolutely amazing piano teacher (and the head of the music department) told me during a tear-filled piano lesson (my tears, not his; he’d given me a C and was explaining that I had earned it) that I needed to focus.
I think of it all the time, but things get away from me.
Maybe there should be a two-year required pre-college that teaches you life skills and executive functioning. How to cook eggs, keep in touch with loved ones, scrub baseboards, make your bed, balance your own budget, show up on time, and organize your career, how to finish a project once you begin, and how to choose a project to start….
Anyway: that’s the goal…focus!
Random Final Thought:
Totally with you on the "notice things" thing. Yes, it can get tiring and tedious here but WOW, the things we get to see and experience on the regular!
Great post, Milda! NYC FOREVER! xx