Ho-Ho-Happy Time of Assessing your Generosity Comfort Level!
Let’s shy from the seasonal calls to conflict and just have mulled cider, shall we?
Oh wait, that’s impossible this time of year. It’s that time when you have to decide who to strike from your card list (if you send cards; does anyone send cards? should we all stop sending cards? Do I hate the planet because I love to receive cards?) and what greeting to use (respond in kind, blanket-happiness, individualistic, be true to yourself?) and what to do about parties/get-togethers/do you reach out/must you reciprocate/should you see family/do you travel to/or get away from/and what is the virus contagiousness factor/etc. etc.
The holidays are a busy time of year.
Me, I have Gemini problems: on the one hand I crave company. I want the lights and the glitter and the renewal of dormant friendships. I love the festive outfits. (Heck, I love the word festive!) I love to see people in person and catch up with them. The more the merrier. I throw parties, attend parties, seek out parties that are open to the public. I like a rousing carol. I love a harmonious choir. Tree lightings make me happy. Hot spiked drinks give me mild hangovers that make me smile. I’m increasingly extroverted as December turns to January.
I do also have another hand. That hand wants to let my housework fall to someone else. It lets Amazon cardboard pile to the ceiling while I sit tamale-style in some warm, fuzzy blanket stolen from my daughter’s hoard (like a dragon, she will always know the source of each bit of treasure and precisely where it falls on the spectrum of fuzzy and warm) and watch mindless shows that end happily. It wants people to give me space. It wants to do things alone. It wants a break, because the year has been a doozy and honestly, isn’t it enough yet? we need parties on top of this?
I suspect that this conflict between introvert holiday needs and extrovert holiday needs exists in all people - even if your extrovert-needs amount to just one very small very intimate gathering of your closest people, easily achieved (there’s probably still a conflict based on the images we are fed on media—instead of body dysmorphia it would be a kind of holiday-based social dysmorphia, a dissatisfaction with your own social life based on what media says is “normal.” )
I think that this conflict is the source of a lot of anxiety and stress. Why can’t we just accept that it is a very human thing to feel this conflict? We always fight the flaws that we all have in common. It’s bizarre. What makes us do that? If all of us feel this, why do we think it is a flaw?
To err is human. To hate the fact that we err is even more human.
I had a terrific conversation with one of the groups of writers I meet weekly and we all discussed whether it was good or bad to meet our heroes. Obviously if they end up being mean or petty—which are synonyms by the way—then it can make you wonder at their use in your life as heroes. But one writer said that the flaws in her heroes thrilled her - to her it meant that all lofty achievements were achievable—by ordinary people. Everyone is capable of heroism. No one is asking you to be a permanent hero. Just a fleeting, momentary one. Like this photographer—they made me smile today by taking a photo of a plastic toy in a houseplant. Heroic to make me smile on a day when daughter is sick for fourth day in a row and son is stressed about finals and I have a headache… but see? I wrote this newsletter anyway. Heroic. Like photographing a plastic toy in a houseplant. I hope it brings you joy.
And you?
As you navigate the extrovert/introvert decisions in your upcoming plans this week, seek out moments where you can be the plastic hero in the houseplant. Help move chairs. Stamp the envelopes. Take the high thing down for that little old lady. Be alert to the things around you that are easy for you but hard for others. Those are your gifts - give them freely.
Maybe you’ll reconnect with a little of the joy of seeing another year in the rear-view-mirror—and knowing there’s a future up ahead that has not yet been written.
ON WRITING:
I was invited to write about a New Year’s tradition for Mutha Magazine and after I got over my surprise at being asked, I wrote something very fun. It should be out soon. I’ll let you know.
Otherwise, I’ve been working on approving the final order of my forthcoming story collection and addressing the editorial comments of the first-round editor. (THIS JUST IN: it has been sent up to the executive editor who makes the big decisions!! Still no title—! Possibly this collection will be out in March 2023…. I’ll keep you informed.
If you want to catch a glimpse of me doing my thing, tune in this Tuesday at 7pm ET for the Holiday Pen Parentis Literary Salon (You don’t have to be in my time zone or a writer or even a parent to really enjoy these one-hour, totally inspiring online events. Tuesday we talk to three phenomenal, best-selling novelists who are moms — one of them has nine children…and 22 novels!)
Here’s the RSVP link: Discussion with Cleyvis Natera, Lan Samantha Chang and Jacquelyn Mitchard
RANDOM FINAL THOUGHT:
Surprise: someone just gave you a hundred million dollars (inflation pricing) as a tip. What is the first thing you buy? Get past the setting up of Foundations as tax shelters (you are the same person who asks a genie for three more wishes) and dream up a thing that you wouldn’t mind having at all. Don’t think of what you want or expect or are working toward. Do a little frivolous dreaming. Touch a part of your brain you haven’t accessed in a while.