Containing Multitudes
where do I put all this stuff?
This one is for anyone who knows exactly how to sort things, how to pack, and what to bring but is flummoxed by finding a suitable bag.
I went to the gigantic AWP writing conference this weekend in Los Angeles. Many thousands of writers, and I organized and hosted a booth for Pen Parentis at the Bookfair among all the independent presses, small literary magazines, and other literary organizations. Loads of photos of the people I met, the bookfair, and random weird/cool photos of LA in three or four posts/collections on my Facebook author page.
Packing seemed easy. I put everything on the floor and it made three small, unwieldy piles. Clothes & toiletries. Books to vend or read. And then the tabling supplies. Three banners in aluminum cases were each exactly one inch too long to fit into my largest suitcase, too sharp to put into the largest duffle bag, too fragile to transport any other way. The books I had to bring were too heavy to make a hockey equipment bag I borrowed from a friend able to be carried. I needed wheels and a handle to manage the 48 lb of very carefully measured luggage. I loaded and unloaded all these things into six various bags and suitcases before finding one that might do.
And this is always the case. Every time I travel, I have the pile of things that are beautifully arranged and then I stall because I don’t have a bag that would perfectly contain them. But it doesn’t stop with packing for travel.
Individually, I also know what I need to carry around. I can silo my feelings, my joys, my time, even my relationships—I am well aware what belongs with what else—this friend is up for a lot of laughter, this one is good for a long sad movie, that one is blissfully intelligent and works really hard. This person is insightful, this one inspiring, this one comfortable discussing death and regret, this one is notoriously buoyant and can jolly me out of the bleakest situation.
But is that the way life is intended to be? One series of carefully curated moods and actions for one person, another set for another? Are there no people out there who have the capacity to handle humanity? Their own emotions as well as the emotions of others? I would love to become such a person—I don’t think I’m even a quarter of the way there yet.
Like in my packing for a conference, I tend to take erratic facts that belong with one person and pass them over to another person. People who used to be close friends but are estranged can get a spill of emotion that they don’t deserve. People who are extremely close friends might end up hearing about my Excel woes. Is that so odd? Aren’t all the fragments of my life still me?
(Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way)
One very important person in my life recently said to me “I only want you to be happy” but the truth was that they could not manage their own feelings when I wasn’t happy. The follow-up question is always “why can’t you just be happy?” And that leaves me with a paradox and a dilemma. The paradox is that I am human: I have all the mood swings in the world (I live in a whole playground of them). So when I am legitimately unhappy, I will disappoint (or even upset) this person, which would catapult me deeper into unhappiness. The dilemma of course is that I can choose to merely appear happy and they would be assuaged—which frankly would bring up my mood a little, or at least not bring it down as much as the other. But it is based on a lie.
So how does one contain one’s own multitudes? What carry-on bag will fit not only the big fat classic novel but also the laptop and charger, the water bottle, the wallet and identification, the toothbrush, the hairbrush, the snacks…. and still fit under the seat in front of us?
I am a hundred thousand moods in a single day, a single minute. Why do I have to narrow that down to fit into the compartment that someone else has designed for *their* own needs? To them, I am an interchangeable passenger in their day. For me this is a once-in-a-lifetime journey.
Writing News
AWP Conference! Such a joy. Wednesday through Sunday.
Truly amazing to be recognized by several astonishing people (how can they remember me? they met me for a few hours!) But even more astonishing is walking up to perfect strangers and telling them about our writing fellowship for new parents and being stopped “oh! Pen Parentis? Yes I’ve heard of that organization.”
Truly that was a goal of mine - and how exciting to see it happen.
The Pen Parentis glow stick party was really fun. There was a secret code. Terese Svoboda earned the most glow sticks by far!
Random Final Thought
Actual conversation at an art gallery upstairs at The Last Bookstore (if you haven’t seen this place follow this link to my Facebook author page)
Salesgirl: Are you a witch?
Me: I don’t like to advertise.
Salesgirl: (pause, uncomfortable): Do you like crystals?
Me: Sure.
Salesgirl: What crystal should I get?
Me: Look up which one helps you make decisions.
Salesgirl: Oh. My. God. Thank you so much.
Thank you for this entry that certainly lives up to the title....If you revealed this, it was probably by accident, but it sounds like you do have an awareness of people as individuals that they and virtually no one has. Or maybe many of us see the error of thinking everyone is like us but still commit it. I also find it burdensome and guilt-inducing when someone assumes I process events emotionally in a certain way, which turns out to be exactly the way that they do, which is why they are burdening me with it.
I liked, "To them, I am an interchangeable passenger in their day. For me this is a once-in-a-lifetime journey." Others' self-centeredness can actually be our release, if we realize it, as we will inevitably remain interchangeable to them.
When you wrote "Are there no people out there who have the capacity to handle....their own emotions as well as the emotions of others?", I was reminded of a comment you made in your 10/22/22 post about the oddity of being both a mentor and a mentee in life ( I keep all my emails, so this was easy to look up).
After all that, hope you take time to just relax.